Bayonetta: First Impressions

Can I even do a review for a game that I haven't played fully? Because I refuse to play the entirety of this shit game!




Let me say something first, is that when Bayonetta first came out, almost everyone at a games store was recommending Bayonetta for me to play. I've only noticed now that all of these people were male...it's no wonder why though and I'll get back to that later.

First of all, most of my friends were praising the game, mainly on the fact that it has a "sexy" heroine in the game...not that it had good gameplay, not that it had good graphics, but because of this female who people refer to as "Bayonetta".

I was EXTREMELY skeptical of playing this game because of what all of my male friends could tell me about it was that I should play the game JUST BECAUSE it has a "sexy" female in it.

Well, let me tell you that I did give in to my curiosity, and decided to play this game, just for shits and giggles. I wanted to see this game for myself...I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could just put aside the over-hyped "sexy" female aspect and just play this game as a game.

Now, let me tell you that I had a VERY hard time doing so because from the opening cinematics to where I refused to continue playing this abomination, it was shoving every bit of sexual material in my fucking face!

Two women in latex-leather gear fighting angels with guns, and having Bayonetta summon hair that forms into the form of a foot wearing a high-heel shoe that stomps enemies in any given direction was what first made my jaw drop straight to the floor, and not in a good way either. Like, what the fuck? Why would anyone think it to be a good idea that a regular attack is fucking HAIR in the form of a FOOT that's wearing a HIGH-HEEL SHOE??? WHY?

Can I make a game, where the main character summons a beard and a fist comes through it to punch the enemy in the fucking face? Yeah, I know, it's funny, but the point is, it's simply ludicrous! Trying to play a game that's been labeled as a "Devil May Cry clone, but better" and then have THAT happen, makes me not want to take the game seriously anymore.

After the prologue of the game, you are in the "Present day" not like any time in the prologue was it ever mentioned that you were sometime in the past, and then you got this stereotypical fat, new-york-accented slob who swears his mouth off, is obviously rich, and can't stop talking about this dead fuck. Meanwhile, Bayonetta's there, all dressed in a white nun suit, is praying over this casket - as if it's trying to make it seem like Bayonetta's an "innocent and pure, but bad girl" and then "angels" come out of the sky, which only Bayonetta and a select few others can see, and then she suddenly decides to stop praying and start going all "bad-ass" and start fighting them.

This is where it just gets insulting.

At this very moment, where Bayonetta's fighting these "demon-angels", "Fly me to the moon" cues in, as if it's her battle music or something.

This...is insulting. I am a huge fan of vintage music and selecting this particular song to go together with this overly-sexualized woman, fighting demon-angels, is fucking rude and disgusting.

If Frank Sinatra came back alive to see this shit, he'd shoot himself in the face as quickly as possible to not live another second in a world where people think it's a good idea to use a song that's about LOVE, and set it as BATTLE MUSIC in a video game.

At this point, the person who was lying in the casket that Bayonetta was praying over, suddenly comes back to life, and helps Bayonetta in her fight. This guy, is a stereotypical, black, "bad-ass" who swears more often than that New York guy.

Bayonetta then gets her nun clothes sliced off, in slow-motion mind you, while you hear a woman's voice moan in pleasure, as if getting your clothes torn off is somehow arousing.

Then, Bayonetta switches her clothes somehow to that of the latex-leather gear that she was previously wearing in the prologue. I guess wearing sexy clothing makes you stronger, because Bayonetta starts wailing on these angels a lot quicker and a lot more efficient too. She strikes several poses while spotlights turn on her and confetti is thrown into the air.

After this, I FINALLY got to play. The gameplay is alright, but not great. Nothing really to complain about, but nothing really to praise either.

After this fight, the next half-hour of gameplay is your usual, overly-sexed female being sexy, and trying to act cool and unbelievably powerful. Bayonetta strikes more sexy poses, while techno music is being played in the background.

One thing to note is that you discover that Bayonetta is apparently amnesic, and can't remember her past...

But wait! She somehow meets up with the 2nd woman you got to see in the prologue and INSTANTLY remembers who she is. It is evident by Bayonetta saying, "You?" as in, "You're here? Why?".

Why stop there with a shitty game and throw in some inconsistencies that even a monkey can point out?

At this point, I turned off the fucking system, because I couldn't take this shit anymore. This is insulting in so many different ways that it would take me literally months to point out all of them.

Writing this "review" at this moment is already making me infuriated, because I have to remember what I had to endure, in order for me to write it.

I know exactly why it is, that only males were recommending this game to me. Because it's another thing to masturbate to, that's what! But you see, why do so to a game, when there's porn on the internet? It's everywhere! And it's free too! If you need some sexual release then go on your computer! And it's WAY better than the game!

The sole reason why this game is getting good reviews and 10/10's is only because the people who enjoy the game are VERY OBVIOUSLY sexually frustrated! They don't want a good game, they don't want consistency, they want SEX! And lots of it too!

I'm getting so sick and tired of everyone who has to include sex in everything they do. In books, movies, daily conversations, advertising...I can't talk to any one of my friends without them using some kind of derogatory term, or talk about something sexual. I can't anymore!

Whatever happened to having fun? Whatever happened to enjoying yourself? Why must every form of media be related to sex? Why? It leaves me feeling VERY uncomfortable whenever I'm out, and my friends start talking about sex. And don't start telling me that "sex sells", because if people knew, and I know they already do, that you could get sex free in many different ways! Like, how about falling in love for instance? Not only do you get to enjoy the sex, but you also get to enjoy having a life partner and sharing your joys and happiness with somebody who cares.

This my final verdict on the game: It sucks. Don't rent it. Don't buy it. If you want porn, go on the internet. You don't have to spend $60 to enjoy masturbating.